


Tiny Hearts

by snelbyshyder



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 07:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snelbyshyder/pseuds/snelbyshyder
Summary: Prompt from Tumblr:can u write a rowan x aelin fic that will break my heart? im in the mood to cryYou're damn right I can.





	Tiny Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> So this originally was supposed to be a quick little oneshot, but then it turned into a 6,300 word bombshell. Shout out to @tacmc for being my ever faithful beta/bff, and helping out with this one before it was posted, for helping me with when I didn’t think I could finish it. For a while, it had me very emotional, but she helped me power through it. I made her cry, so hopefully, it’s what you’re looking for!
> 
> So here you go, anon. Hope you enjoy it!

It wasn’t until Aelin felt the skin of her knuckles split that she realized she hadn’t wrapped her hands before putting on her gloves. She paused for a second, but the damage was already done and she went back to hitting the bag in front of her with all she had.

Her eyes stung as sweat dripped off her forehead and she could feel the dampness of her t-shirt clinging to her back. Stopping to grab a drink, she glanced up at the clock.

3:27 am.

Insomnia was nothing new to Aelin now. She was lucky if she managed to get about three hours of sleep a night at this point. So, when she realized she’d been staring at the inside of her eyelids for two and a half hours, she ended up at her cousin’s gym, taking advantage of his punching bags and various work out equipment to not only tire her out, but to distract her mind. It never worked.

Unfastening her gloves, she pulled them off, blood dripping onto the pristine, white, tiled floor. She watched as another drop joined, then another and another. Lifting her fist, she clenched it, causing her knuckles to turn white and the skin to tear just a bit more.

Aelin closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of _something_ , even if it was her own physical pain. After months and months of nothing but numbness, these small bits of proof that she was still alive down in her soul was what she needed. A car alarm going off somewhere outside of the studio brought her back to reality and she grabbed a paper towel and some bleach from the supply closet after she bandaged up her hand to clean up the blood.

Locking the door to her apartment, Aelin sighed as she leaned her forehead against the door frame, the metal cooling her flushed skin. She tossed her keys on her coffee table, sitting down to take her tennis shoes off. She leaned back onto the couch and cringed at the feeling of her sweaty skin against the leather. She just needed to sit for a second, then she’d get up and go shower.

Aelin heard a banging on her door as her eyes snapped open. The sun was streaming through her windows and she glanced at the clock above her fireplace.

8:41 am.

Rolling her neck, she groaned. She’d fallen asleep on the couch and her neck was stiff from the awkward position she’d been in all night. Sighing, she moved to lay down to get more comfortable and maybe get a few more hours of sleep, when she heard a key turn over in the deadbolt and the door swung open.

Her cousin’s voice boomed through the small kitchen and living room. “Rise and shine, princess!”

She grabbed one of the throw pillows and used it to cover her face. “I gave you that key for emergencies, Aedion.”

The pillow was ripped from her face and a familiar blonde head was looking down at her. He lifted her legs and flopped down on the couch. “You stink.”

“Come in, Aedion,” she growled. “Make yourself at home.”

“Well, I assume you used my gym last night, so I figured I could come use your couch and eat your food.” He took a massive bite out of the apple he’d swiped from her counter.

“Fair enough.” Aelin propped her foot up on the coffee table in front of her and they sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

“So we’re all going out for dinner tonight,” Aedion said quietly. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes. Aedion’s visits would always end with him trying to convince her to come out with their friends. Groaning, Aelin threw herself off of the couch and went into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from her fridge. “It’s Lysandra’s birthday,” he said, following her, leaning his hip on the counter. “You know, your best friend and my fiancée?”

Aelin looked at the calendar on her fridge. She hadn’t changed it in over 3 months. Time had literally gotten away from her. Her eyes focused on _that day_ before blurring over as they filled with tears. She turned away from Aedion, wiping the back of her hand across her cheeks to get rid of the tears.

“Fireheart,” he said, resting his hand on her elbow. She jerked away from his touch.

“Don’t call me that,” she said, voice thick. “I can’t go. Tell her I’m sorry. We’ll do coffee or something this weekend.” She tried to slip by him, but he caught her by the wrist. She refused to look into his eyes, the eyes identical to her own, as they stared at her face. When she wouldn’t look at him, he glanced down at her bandaged knuckles and softly ran a thumb across the inside of her wrist.

“Aelin, it’s been over three months,” he started.

“Three months and twenty-two days,” she whispered without missing a beat.

Aedion’s heart broke for his cousin. “Go take a shower. I wasn’t kidding when I said you stank.” There was a hint of lightness in his tone, his joking nature never fully going away. “I’ll make you some breakfast and you can come with me to the gym. We’ll spar a bit.”

Aelin pulled her wrist from his grasp. “I’m not hungry.” She stepped away from him, but at least headed towards the hallway that contained her bathroom. “And I’m busy today.”

He knew not to push her past her breaking point, but he had to get her out of this apartment. “Doing what?”

She braced her hands on the door frame and sighed, closing her eyes. “Nothing, Aedion. I’m just busy.”

Aedion ran a hand through his blonde hair before making his way over to his cousin. “It would mean a lot to Lys for her best friend to be there tonight. Everyone would love to see you. Seven o’clock, at The Staghorns.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I hope I’ll see you later.”

Aelin listened as his footsteps retreated and she heard her door open and close, before the deadbolt clicked back into place. As she stood there in her empty apartment, for the first time in three months, she truly felt alone.

She turned the water on in the shower, turning the handle as far to the left as she could, steam slowly starting to fill the small bathroom. Taking off her shirt, she looked at her reflection, letting her hands fall to her stomach. She ran her hands over the faint scars scattered across her abdomen and slid a finger along the long, thick scar running from hip to hip.

As the steam clouded over the mirror, she turned away and undressed, getting in the shower.

The rest of the day passed in monotony like it usually did when she didn’t have to work at the gym, helping Aedion with paperwork. She cleaned, read a book, cleaned some more, and stared at the TV while some rerun of a 90’s sitcom played. Carrying a basket of laundry from the dryer to her bedroom, her elbow grazed the wood of the closed door across from her own, the spare bedroom. She jumped back as if she had been burned and dropped the basket full of towels. Pressed against the wall, staring at the door, images flashed through her mind. Pine green walls, walnut wood furniture, a tiny, stuffed hawk.

She picked up the laundry basket and retreated into her room, as if she could lock out the thoughts as easily as she could her bedroom door.

\-------------------------------------------

Aelin wasn’t sure what she was doing, sitting in the parking lot of the restaurant she and her friends used to come to every weekend.

For the first time in months, she’d put on makeup and styled her hair. She even found a dress in the back of her closet that she’d always wanted to wear, but never had. So, she got dressed, fixed her hair and gave herself one last look in the mirror.

She was surprised to recognize the girl in the mirror, for the first time in over a year. The smile fell when she realized that though she may look like herself, so much had changed, and she was a completely different person. She’d quit her job, living on the meager salary she made helping Aedion run the gym and pulling what she had to from the vast fortune that her parents left her when they were killed in a car accident.

She was just about to put her car in reverse when she saw Fenrys and Asterin walking into the restaurant, hand in hand, both laughing at something Aelin could only imagine Fenrys had said. An empty feeling in her chest settled, and she realized she missed her friends more than she had thought.

Opening the door, she stepped out, the cool November evening biting through her coat. As she got closer to the front doors, her heart began to speed up. Stopping to compose herself, she heard an excited “Aelin!” from behind her.

Turning around, Lysandra practically tackled her best friend, Aedion a few paces behind.

“Hey, Lys,” she said, voice quiet.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Lysandra said, still not letting go of Aelin. “I didn’t think you’d be here.”

Pulling back, Aelin smiled at her friend. “I couldn’t miss your birthday.”

With a dazzling smile, Lysandra took Aedion’s hand and they went into the restaurant. As they crossed the threshold, Lysandra went ahead and Aedion grasped Aelin’s shoulder, holding her back. She looked back at her cousin as they slowly walked to the back room they always occupied. “I need to tell you something.” Though Aedion’s voice was clear, she could hear the unease in it. She glanced at him as they slowly walked through the familiar din of voices and revelry. “I honestly didn’t think you were going to come tonight, so I didn’t think I needed to warn you…” His voice trailed off, but Aelin had stopped walking, breathing.

Through the open doorway, they could hear a chorus of “Happy Birthday!” as Lysandra made her way into the room. There was singing and laughing and smiles. But Aelin only saw one thing: gleaming, silver hair.

“Why is he here?” She whispered, unable to speak. Aedion’s hand was on her back as she kept stepping away, towards the front doors. She could hear him laughing at something one of their friends had said.

“He moved back about three weeks ago. We didn’t know how to tell you.” He was smiling broadly at Gavriel.

She just kept staring, as if he would eventually disappear. She began shaking her head and closed her eyes. “No, Aedion. No. I can’t…” She let her words fade out, but opened her eyes, only to find a pine green pair staring right back.

Stepping out of Aedion’s reach, she hauled ass out of the restaurant, but instead of going to her car, she ran around the side of the building to hurl her guts up.

\-------------------------------------------

They say a sibling is a child’s first best friend, but what about an only child? Sure, they play with their parent’s friend’s kids when they come over and with their cousins, but nothing is as constant to an only child as their next-door neighbor.

Rowan was two years older than Aelin, but when Rhoe and Evalin bought the house next door to the Whitethorn family, the two hit it off and became best friends. Growing up as a tomboy, Aelin kept up with Rowan and his group of friends. Once she started school, she met Dorian and Chaol and the rest of their group of friends. All throughout school, they were inseparable. Of course, she hung out with Nehemiah and Lysandra on her own, but she was never as close to anyone as she was to Rowan.

They had been best friends for as long as they could remember, but in college, they decided to add a few benefits. They both agreed that it was purely physical and that if one of them met someone, they’d end it immediately. They had both been single for so long, the bar scene didn’t really appeal to either of them, and sometimes, you just need a good lay.

Aelin didn’t expect to fall in love with him. It was stupid of her, really. She never should have agreed. She couldn’t say anything to him, knowing he didn’t feel the same. Saying something would ruin not only the agreement they made, but their lifelong friendship.

Then there was a night that changed everything.

\-------------------------------------------

_Aelin was sitting at a desk in the library at 8:45, her laptop screen open to a page outlining the risks of underage consumption. Somehow she’d managed to put off her Oral Communications class until her senior year of college, but it had finally caught up to her. She couldn’t put it off any longer if she wanted to graduate in December and groaned as she scrolled down the page and saw yet another photo of a car accident caused by an underage drunk driver. As a 23-year-old in her fourth year of elementary education, she could handle blood, vomit, and boo boos, but some things would make anyone cringe._

_When her phone lit up “Buzzard” with the owl emoji next to his name, Aelin smiled._

_She swiped across her screen and lifted the phone to her ear._

_“Hello?” She answered, voice lowered._

_Rowan’s smooth voice breezed through the phone. “Someone must be at the library.”_

_“Yeah, I’ve got a speech on underage drinking on Monday that I have to give in front of a bunch of 18-year-old freshman.”_

_“Well you should be an expert on that, shouldn’t you, Fireheart,” he chuckled. Aelin rolled her eyes. Between Rowan and Aedion, it was never hard for Aelin to convince one of them to buy for her before she turned 21._

_“Shut up, you old buzzard,” she said, closing her laptop, and slipping her notebook into her backpack. “What are you doing tonight?”_

_Rowan groaned and Aelin could practically see him falling onto his couch. “I just got home from the office. I had a deposition I had to take care of and then one of the partners wanted to have a meeting with me.”_

_“Anything interesting?” She asked, walking out of the library and headed towards the lot she’d parked in. Rowan worked for one of the most prestigious law firms in the area, the youngest in his office and the highest success rate._

_“Eh, I don’t want to talk about that right now. I’ll tell you later.” She heard the finality in his tone and decided not to push. “However,” he chimed in as Aelin started her car. “I have a 12 pack in my fridge, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and Chinese takeout on the way. If you want to come over.”_

_“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”_

_Good to her word, Aelin was knocking on the door to Rowan’s apartment eight minutes later. The door swung open and there he stood, in all of his 6’4” glory. He was still wearing his suit from work, but his tie was loosened and the top button of his shirt was undone. As he took a swig out of the beer bottle in his hand, Aelin didn’t even try to hide her gaze as it swept from head to toe. “See something you like?” He asked, a smirk on that handsome face. Aelin just scoffed and walked past him into the apartment, dropping her bag onto his table and heading into the kitchen to grab a glass of wine. She heard him heading towards his bedroom. “Help yourself to the food, you know where everything is. I’m gonna go change.”_

_Piling a couple of plates high with chow mein and sesame chicken, she grabbed her glass of wine and headed into the living room, grabbing his PlayStation4 controller and flipping through Netflix. He came back into the living room, a pair of basketball shorts hung low on his hips as he pulled his shirt on. He flopped on the couch next to her and picked up his beer._

_“So what are we feeling tonight?” Aelin asked as she looked through the list of movies and shows they’d saved. “Rom-com? Horror flick?” She gasped. “Ooh! How about that 9/11 conspiracy documentary we added last week?”_

_“How about,” Rowan said, getting up and looking through his DVDs, pulling one out and turning towards her, “we play a drinking game?”_

_Aelin looked at the copy of_ Lord of the Rings _in his hands and groaned, leaning her head back on the couch. “Last time I played one of your ‘drinking games’,” she said, holing up air quotes, “I swore off of tequila for good. I can’t take a drink every time ‘the ring’ is mentioned. I’ll literally die.”_

_He put the DVD in the console and sat down, taking the controller from her. “It won’t be that bad, trust me.”_

_Three hours later, Aelin decided she was never going to trust Rowan again. After she’d drained the bottle of wine and they’d polished off the 12 pack together, Rowan had busted out a bottle of Jack Daniels and the night had gone to shit. Eventually the movie had been forgotten and knees accidentally brushing became fingers skimming on flushed skin. Heated looks became shared breath and clashing teeth and tongues._

_After moving things into Rowan’s room, Aelin laid on his chest as he drew lazy circles on her bare back. She was drifting into unconsciousness when he cleared his throat._

_“So,” he started, and she rested her chin on her hand to look up at him. “About the meeting with the partners earlier.” He paused and she waited, wondering why he was telling her this tonight instead of filling her in during breakfast the next morning. He ran a hand over his face and Aelin felt a sense of dread settle into her stomach. “They’re, uh, the firm is going to be closing down at the end of the week.”_

_Aelin sat up, holding the sheet to her chest. “What? Rowan, oh, my God.”_

_He sat up as well, leaning back on his pillows. “It’s okay, I-.”_

_“It’s fine, you’ve got an amazing record. You can go to any of the other firms around here, even if they won’t pay you as well.” She rolled her eyes, remembering the conversation they’d had when one of the other firms approached Rowan with an offer and he laughed in their faces, thinking it was actually a joke. “If there’s anything I can do, just tell-.”_

_“Come with me.”_

_“I- What?” She blinked at him. His green eyes sparkled in the dimly lit room._

_“They’re closing down because they’re moving to California. The firm will still exist but we’re just relocating. Aelin, they want me to come with them. They want to make me partner.”_

_Aelin just continued to stare at him, mouth hanging open in shock. Rowan had always dreamed of becoming a partner, and at only 25-years-old, it was absolutely unheard of. But that wasn’t what had struck her._

_“Come…with you? You want me to come to California? With you?”_

_He nodded. “I leave on Sunday. I have family out there. I’m gonna be staying with my cousin, Endymion, for a little bit, but just until I can find my own place.”_

_She couldn’t speak, couldn’t find the words to describe what she was thinking. She looked down at his arm, the swirls of black ink snaking all the way down to his fingertips. “Rowan, I-.”_

_“I love you.”_

_Aelin’s head snapped up as she stared at him. “What did you say?”_

_He cupped her face in his hands and leaned towards her. “Aelin, I love you. I have for as long as I can remember. I think I always have, and I always will.” She stared at him, eyes wide. Her mouth was dry and she couldn’t remember how to speak. “Come with me, please. Come with me and we can be together.”_

_She blinked a few times and was surprised to feel tears pricking her eyes. She got out of bed before he could see them and started getting dressed. “I can’t,” she whispered. “My degree, my job.” She couldn’t go with him. She couldn’t uproot her life here, her education. She would be graduating in less than a month and had already been offered a teaching position at a private school. It didn’t matter that she had loved him for her entire life as well. Shimmying into her leggings, she heard him climbing out of bed as well and headed into the living room. She grabbed her phone off of the couch after she pulled her boots on and threw her backpack over her shoulder. By the time she found her keys on the kitchen counter, Rowan had pulled his shorts back on and was running into the living room._

_“Aelin, wait,” he called._

_She was standing in the open door, the cold air chilling the tears on her face. She whispered, “I’m sorry.”_

_As she climbed into her car, she couldn’t breathe. She threw her car into drive and headed to her own apartment. Running in, she tossed her bag on the floor and crawled straight into her bed, crying until she had no more tears to cry. As she drifted off to sleep, she realized that she didn’t even tell him she loved him, too._

\-------------------------------------------

With a hand braced on the brick wall, she was taking a deep breath through her mouth when she heard “Fireheart,” from behind her.

She clenched her eyes shut as tightly as she could. “Don’t call me that.”

His steps were light as he came closer. “I’ve always called you that.”

“Well, not anymore,” she snapped, standing up to look at him.

Rowan Whitethorn was just as handsome as the last time she’d seen him, though his hair was quite a bit shorter. It only made his green eyes and harsh features stand out more. Features that only seemed to soften when he was looking at her. “What are you doing out here?” she asked.

“I wanted to see you,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “How have you been?”

Aelin just let out a harsh laugh as she slipped past him, careful not to actually touch the man. “You’d know if you’d answered one of my calls.” She kept walking towards her car and she heard him jog to catch up with her.

“I wanted to,” he said, his longer legs allowing him to fall into step with her. “But with how we left things…”

Tears were already falling as she spun to look at him. As soon as she looked up into his face, she knew she made a mistake. Her voice shook as she said, “I called you for five months.” She took a deep breath. “I can’t do this right now, Rowan.”

As she went to move away, his fingers wrapped around her own. “Can’t we just forget about that night?”

That night. The night that had changed everything. The night that had changed her entire life.

“No, Rowan, we can’t. That night happened, whether we pretend it did or it didn’t.”

“Yes, we can,” he said, as she started to walk away, tightening his grip on her hand. “If we just forget that night, if you can forget what I said, then we can start over and-”.

“I can’t forget about the night that you got me pregnant!”

His fingers went slack around hers and his arm fell to his side. “What did you say?”

The tears were freely falling now and Aelin wrapped her arms around her body, as if she could hug her once round belly.

“Pregnant?” Rowan asked, voice so low she could barely hear him. “I have a- I’m a-?”

“No” was all she could say.

His voice was a whisper as he said, “You miscarried?”

A choked sob ripped from Aelin’s body. Rowan took a step towards her, but she raised her hand and placed it on his chest, stopping him. Without another word, Aelin turned around and walked to her car, leaving Rowan to stand in the parking lot and stare as her taillights faded away.

\-------------------------------------------

After a few minutes, Rowan made his way back inside. Taking his seat next to Aedion, he stared at the beer in front of him, watching the bubble rise to the top. The room was quiet, light conversation going on amongst his friends, but he couldn’t focus on any one voice. There was too much noise inside his head.

Aelin had been pregnant.

He had left when she hadn’t told him she loved him, too, but he was hurt. He was embarrassed that he had laid his heart on the line and she hadn’t given hers in return. So, he had ignored her, for weeks, and then her calls had become less and less, and he figured she’d finally gotten the picture.

And then after a month of silence, her face lit up his phone screen, and he didn’t answer. He was so ashamed of how he’d acted. The next day, she’d called back and again, he’d ignored her. He didn’t even know what to say to her.

He’d started dating Lyria soon after, and even though Aelin was across the country, he couldn’t get her off of his mind. After a few months, they broke it off. It was a lot harder on her than on him, but he could never fully devote himself to her. There was something missing. Now, he knew what it was.

For the first time in over a year, tonight, when he looked up and saw those turquoise and gold eyes, he was home. Of course, when he saw that she turned and ran away in tears, all of the guilt and shame he had felt over her for the past year came rushing back. He knew she was trying to get in touch with him, but he’d had no idea.

A baby… She had been pregnant with his baby.

A hand rested on his shoulder. He glanced up to see Aedion looking at him, pity in those eyes identical to Aelin’s. “You knew?”

Aedion removed his hand and took a drink of his beer. “We all did.” He motioned around the room. “Someone had to be her support system, even if she was determined to do this on her own.”

Rowan nodded, he knew how headstrong she was. It was one of the many reasons he loved her. “She said that I-.” He had to clear his throat, to stop the breaking of his voice. “That I wasn’t a father.” Aedion was looking at his hands, resting on his knees. He didn’t respond. “What does she mean?”

He dragged a hand across his eyes and Rowan pretended he didn’t notice the wetness on the back of his friend’s hand. Aedion looked up at him. Unshed tears rimmed his turquoise and gold eyes. “She’s going to have to be the one to explain that to you.”

Rowan glanced at his watch and saw the time. It was barely 7:30. Dinner hadn’t even been ordered yet.

“Go.”

He looked up at Aedion who had stood to make his way back to his seat next to Lysandra. He was holding a key out for him. “Lysandra will understand.” Rowan took the key, clasping his friend’s outstretched hand and stood, pulling him into a cross between a hug and a handshake. He threw a few bills on the table to cover his drinks and ran to his car.

\-------------------------------------------

Letting the door swing open, the apartment was dark, save for the hallway, spilling yellow light out into the living room. Rowan pocketed the key as he stepped in, looking around. The two-bedroom apartment Aelin and Lysandra had shared before Aedion had proposed still looked virtually the same as the last time he’d seen it. But as he looked a little closer, he could see that things weren’t as they once had been.

Aelin was never the cleanest person. She was by no means dirty, but “clutter” was her favorite style of interior design. As Rowan looked around the apartment, he couldn’t find a single thing out of place. Everything had a home and there wasn’t even a dirty dish in the sink.

A quiet sob had him heading for the hallway but the sight before him made him stop in his tracks.

Curled up on the floor in front of an elegant crib made of dark wood, Aelin clutched a stuffed animal to her chest. Rowan could see the tears streaming down her cheeks but he felt powerless to do anything.

“I found out I was pregnant two months to the day after you left.” He couldn’t move. He just stood there, listening. “I went to the doctor for my annual checkup and they just came in talking about her vitals and I had no idea what they were talking about.”

_Her._

That one word felt like a punch to the gut. _A daughter._

He walked closer and dropped to his knees in front of her. He could clearly see what was in her arms now and it made his eyes well up with tears.

A stuffed hawk. A buzzard, just like him.

“That’s when I tried calling you again. I just needed you to know.” And he hadn’t answered. “Things were going well. I was teaching and I loved my class. My kids were so excited for me to have her. They wanted me to bring her in and they’d started compiling a list of options for her name. I told them I’d bring her to meet them after Summer Break.”

Rowan’s hand reached up to cup her cheek, and Aelin leaned into it, of her body’s own accord. Her cheek was soft and warm, and those breathtaking eyes finally looked into his own. The pain and grief in them finally broke him down and tears began to stream down his own cheeks. Aelin’s eyes snapped shut and her brow furrowed as a sob tore out of her.

“She was born on May 2nd, at 7:52 pm. 21 inches long and 9 pounds, 6 ounces.” A sound that was a cross between a laugh and a sob came out. “I was in labor for 19 hours before they performed an emergency C-section and I told Dorian that if I ever saw you again, I was going to castrate you for doing this to me.” Her lips wobbled as she took a shaking breath. “Raegan Nora.”

Rowan looked at the hawk again.

_Raegan._

_His daughter’s name was Raegan._

“She had your eyes.” His head jerked up to look at her, but she was looking above the crib, where her name was painted on the wall. He bit his lip to stop the sob trying to break free.

“She was a little hellion,” Aelin laughed, tears still streaming down her cheeks. “She was perfect at the hospital, sleeping when she was supposed to and she latched immediately. But then I brought her home.” She sighed and clutched the stuffed animal a little tighter, looking back to him. “She could only sleep if she was being held, and she wasn’t latching like she was supposed to. I was so tired, but I’d never been happier. I didn’t think I could ever love someone as much as I loved her.”

Her chin wobbled and the light left her eyes as she said, “But then one night, I laid her down after she fed and brought the baby monitor across the hall into my room. I was so exhausted that I laid down and fell asleep immediately. I didn’t even change out of my clothes.” She took a shaking breathing and Rowan took one of her hands. She didn’t pull away. “I woke up on my own in the morning, and I knew something was wrong.” He felt sick and was glad he hadn’t eaten dinner before coming here. “She wasn’t sleeping through the night yet and she hadn’t cried or woken me up once. I checked her baby monitor and it was working right. So, I got up and ran into her nursery.”

Before the first sob could wrack her body, Rowan already had her in his lap. Her tears were darkening the fabric of his shirt as his own fell on the top of her head. Words failed him as he rubbed her back and she clung to him as if he were the only thing keeping her on this earth. Aelin whispered, “She was ice cold.” Rowan stopped moving.

“She stopped breathing at some point in the middle of the night and I had no idea.” She cried and he wrapped his arms tightly around her slim waist. She was so tiny, he couldn’t imagine her belly swollen, how her small body could even support it. “I was 15 feet across the hall and she died and I slept through it.”

Rowan rasped out, his first words since walking into the dark apartment, “I’m so sorry, Aelin. I’m so sorry.”

The fists clinging to his shirt banged against his chest weakly. “You weren’t here!” she cried. “I needed you, from the moment I found out, and you weren’t here!”

“I’m so sorry,” was all he could say. And all she said was, “You weren’t here.”

\-------------------------------------------

Eventually, Aelin fell asleep with her head on his shoulder. Rowan knew she was out from light snore leaving her mouth, so he carefully stood, cradling her against his chest and carried her to her bedroom. He laid her on the bed and carefully pulled the covers up over her thin shoulders. He brushed hair off her forehead, marveling at the beauty on her peaceful, sleeping face. How could he have ever left her? How could he have been so stupid? Cracking her door as he left, his eyes fell on the small hawk laying on the floor where they’d been sitting.

Flicking on the light switch, he could finally see the nursery for what it was. The walls had been painted the _exact same shade_ as his eyes and he couldn’t help but smile sadly. Everything else was decorated tastefully in greys and whites. He surveyed the shelves, looking at the clothes his daughter had worn, or maybe hadn’t had the chance to. He picked up the onesie draped across the changing table, as if Aelin had planned to dress her in it the next morning. _Mommy’s Little Princess_. It was so tiny, soft lace around the bodice, fashioned like a skirt. He fingered the soft lace, so dainty and fine. Rowan felt tears running down his face and carefully laid the pink outfit back out. He walked across the room and picked the hawk up off the floor. He closed his eyes and brought it to his forehead, resting it there. He could distinctly smell Aelin on it, but there was also another scent. Even having never smelled it before, it was now burned into his memory, the pure, sweet smell of his daughter. He rested the small animal in the corner of the crib and made a move to leave the nursery when two frames caught his eye.

One light, one dark. Polar opposites, even in harmony with each other.

In a frame of dark wood, the Galathynius family crest emblazoned in gold, text around it reading “Be who you were created to be and you will set the world on fire.”

And next to it, in silver, “Snowflakes are like kisses from heaven”, wrapping around – the Whitethorn family crest.

“I wanted her to know you, too.”

Rowan whirled to find Aelin leaning on the doorway, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She stepped closer to stand next to him and looked at the frames. “Whenever the time came, and she asked, I was going to tell her all about you.” A single tear slid down her cheek. “I was going to tell her that you were my best friend and my favorite person to be with. And that you loved me very much.”

Warm fingers wrapped around his own and he looked down at their clasped hands. He glanced at her, finding the corner of her mouth quirked up into a small smile.

“That you would’ve loved her, too, if you’d had the chance to meet her.” Rowan had to shut his eyes to stop the tears threatening to spill over. When he felt Aelin’s feather light touch on his cheek, he knew he’d failed. She stepped away and he opened his eyes to watch her.

She grabbed a large scrapbook off the book shelf and clutched it to her chest. “She may have only lived for two, short months, but she was so loved. By me, by Aedion and Lysandra, and all of our friends.” She paused, collecting her thoughts. “Come on.”

She walked into the living room and clicked the light on as she sat down on the couch. Rowan sat next to her and she handed him the pink book.

A sad smile was on her beautiful face when he looked up at her from the baby book. “Rowan, it’s time for you to get to know your daughter.”

As they went through, page by page, picture by picture, and story by story, Aelin laughed, truly laughed for the first time in nearly four months as she remembered things that their daughter had done, that their friends had done for her, of her giggles and the budding personality she was beginning to show. They laughed, cried and by the end of the night, they held each other and didn’t say a word. And as Aelin fell asleep on the couch, curled against Rowan’s chest, the sun filtering through the curtains on her windows, she could feel her heart begin to beat again. She could feel herself beginning to heal.


End file.
